
According to the nation’s top scientists (as seen on PBS’ Pulitzer Prize winning ‘Inside the Teenage Brain’), the teenage state is nothing more than another stage of child development. While a child is in the womb, he or she undergoes substantial changes of brain development at an incredibly rapid pace. This phenomenon is recreated a bit over a decade later during puberty. During this stage of their life, they display several common symptoms:

 An inability to comprehend causation or consequences for his or her actions,  Unhealthy sleeping habits,  A sudden interest in wearing backward hats or cargo shorts, and  Loss of ability to formulate coherent thoughts. This symptom is often paired with repetitious usage of the words ‘dude’, ‘bro’, and ‘sweet’.

However, with proper treatment, these symptoms can be avoided. I realize this does not seem possible; it did not seem possible to me, either. But this is the crux of my genius. The secret lies in attacking the virus before it infects the brain, before the frontal cortex succumbs to the Evil Will of the Teenage Years. I call my treatment the ‘Use It or Lose It’ technique. Its magic lies in programming the child while in the early stages of brain development into a set routine, forming a schedule consisting of a daily regiment of brainteasers, math problems, hand-eye coordination tests, and a healthy dose of naptime. If we don’t enforce this type of regiment upon them, the behavior exhibited by teenagers today will continue, placing every person alive in extreme, immediate danger, and this is a problem. It is not a problem in the way that global warming is a problem, nor is it a problem in the way throat cancer is a problem. It is a problem in the way that the fact we may eventually one day go to war against the machines (as portrayed in I, Robot or the Terminator trilogy) is a problem. So long as we set the teenagers onto this strict, linear pathway through life, we can let out our held breath and ease back into our seats, comfortable in the fact that our worries are no longer based on whether or not our future generations are going to screw things up worse than we already have.

The largest hurdle faced by the ‘Use It or Lose It’ technique is encountering a child unwilling to follow orders, a ‘free spirited’ pre-teen whose primary concern in life isn’t the Greater Good, but yo-yo tricks and hair gel. And that, I think, is where a simple brain disease ends and Armageddon begins.

I have no idea where you, my loyal reader, happen to stand on the issue of human cloning, and over the course of this paper I’ve avoided the topic in order to (a) help you understand the dilemma at hand, and to (b) present the least complicated treatment before I unveil the only solution that can assuredly end the infestation of Teenagers upon our precious soil.